Another Target Dressing Room, Another Near Mental Breakdown

Body dysmorphia is real and it is hard.

If you’ve been around for a minute you know my long, complicated history with weight. My body has been a source of stress and unhappiness for as long as I can remember. The few times I have been happy in my body have come at significant costs to my lifestyle, well-being, mental health, and financial stability. Being my “ideal” weight is just not sustainable.

Post IVF and postpartum have done a number of weird things to my body, the most notable being my weight. How much I weigh, how I carry my weight, and how gain and I lose weight. It’s been a very challenging year mentally to try and love my body for exactly who she is. To give her rest and time to heal after years of being pushed to its maximum. I’ve tried to be gentle with myself and to be happy with exactly who I am every single day.

Then yesterday happened and almost destroyed everything.

I was meeting James and Stevie at a pool after work. James forgot to grab a swimsuit for me so I stopped at Target to pick up a new one. I have always gotten swimsuits at target and have never had much of an issue finding my size, especially with their selection of clothing for all body sizes. But yesterday I could only find a handful of options above a XL.

I stood in the dressing room, sweating because it was so damn hot back there, staring at myself in a mirror while wearing numerous ill-fitting and uncomfortable swimsuits, and I almost broke down.

Anyone with a body knows this feeling.

It almost made me leave the store and just go home. The thought of going in public wearing any of the swimsuits I picked was so mortifying I just couldn’t withstand it. But then I said “no. I’m not letting a swimsuit keep me from hanging out with my kid and my husband. I’m not going to let this ruin my good time.”

I bought a suit, a coverup, and some sunscreen and went to the pool. I hated the way I felt, but literally not a single person even looked my way while I walked around feeling uncomfortable. Because NO ONE CARES. And anyone who does care is an asshole. And I do not make time or space for assholes in my life anymore.

All of that is to say don’t let your body be the reason you skip out on anything. Don’t let your brain get in the way of a fun experience. And don’t shop at target for swimsuits.

EVERY BODY IS A SWIMSUIT BODY.

EVERY BODY IS A BEACH BODY.

And also wear sunscreen. Because a sunburn is definitely going to prevent you from having fun.